I have come to realize recently how much I have changed in the last couple of years. The last year alone has brought so many changes in me. Just a year and a half ago I was barely getting into the Army. I was planning on making it a career. I thought I was prepared to put a family on hold at any moment and deploy. I thought I was "Army Strong" and proudly proclaimed it to everyone I met. Perhaps I was. I have come to realize that I was more "Army Stupid" than "Army Strong". As my dear husband puts it, "High-speed isn't stupid!" I was ready and willing to rush into anything. Unfortunately, I did rush into things. I tried rushing into everything--relationships, the Army, etc. I no longer quite have that mentality. I believe that I have been rushing my whole life. I am now prepared to take a more calm and rational approach. I am no longer just thinking for myself. I have a husband and two boys on the way that I must think about. Just about every decision that I make will somehow affect them. The jump from single life to married life was relatively easy for me, but I also happened to be blessed with a wonderful husband who has the patience of a...well, something with a lot of patience!! However, the leap to having children is huge. I can no longer be irresponsible. I am going to have two little boys that I must take care of and teach. I can only hope that I will be able to set a good example for them. My mother was a great example to me. To this day when I am struggling to go to church or do something that I know that I should be doing, I think back to her and know that I must do it. If not for me, I must do it for my boys. Over the last year, I have grown greatly in my appreciation for my mom. She really was the strongest person that I have ever met, but I did not know just how strong she was until she died. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but it is not something I should feel guilty about. Rather, it is something that I must strive to be myself and to teach my children. I have become so motherly in the last year. My dear cousin Mary once said something about how I become softer with each trial. I hope that is true. I believe that the world is lacking in soft women. To clarify, I mean women with a good back bone, but who are nurturing and loving and willing to help those in need and empathize. I realize that I am not good with sympathy. If I do not understand someone's pain, I generally cannot feel for them. How I wish I could! However, if I know just a little of what they are going through, I can empathize. I cherish that ability. I used to be very selfish. I still am selfish, but much less so than before. I worry that my selfishness will get in the way with my kids, especially when it comes to sleep. I love my sleep! Hopefully, though, I will get over that and overcome my selfishness more. I made a promise at my mom's funeral to let her live through me. I do not think I have done a great job at that, but I hope to do better in the future. I suppose I have not botched up too horribly, but it could be better. It could always be better.
I do not feel like I am 21. During my ultrasound, the doctor wrote a report, the beginning of which stated that I am a 21 year old woman. I feel so much older than 21. I suppose I have always felt older than my age. Many people do. When I look in the mirror I do not see a 21 year old woman. 21 sounds so young. Time seems to be going so much faster these days, though. I have already been married for over 10 months. That's nearly a year, but it does not seem nearly that long. We have lived in San Antonio for 3.5 months, but it really does not feel like we have been here that long. I am really coming to understand how these days are just moments in our lives. We really must savor each moment, or else they will pass away before our eyes and we will not realize that they have left us.
Sometimes I start thinking about success. My view on success is shifting. I used to want to be constantly progressing to a good career. I have never felt the need to make a lot of money. I just want to make the world a better place somehow. I don't know how. I used to want to be a teacher, because molding the minds of young people and helping them to learn good principles would definitely make the world better, but now I don't think I want to be a teacher. Now I want to just take care of my own babies. It's a natural feeling. My biggest thing before about success was not just making a difference in the world, but having people realize and mourn me being gone. Not just family and friends, but people that I didn't really know. I don't need that now. I mean, it saddens me when famous people die and it is posted all over the world and everybody knows and many people care, but that is only because people die every day, really good people, and nobody knows or cares, outside of that person's normal circle. For some reason that is just really sad to me. Each person creates a huge chain/circle of contacts. A single person's effect on the world can be great. You never know when you're changing someone's life. You may make a single comment that changes them forever. You may smile at them and brighten their world. Some random stranger that you affected in some way may be thinking about you right now. It really is amazing.
When I was about 14 my friend Katie and I would frequently go on walks around town. When we passed the high school track, there was this guy that we would often see running. I nick named him "Jimmy." I was feeling especially brave one day and decided to call out his "name". "JIMMY!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as I was passing the track with Katie. He turned and looked over at us. Katie and I laughed and ran away, embarrassed.
See? That was a true story. I don't know this guy. He's a random stranger and yet the thought of him makes me laugh. We really admired him for his dedication to run. Speaking of dedication for running, I almost got in a car accident when I was 17 because there was a fat kid running down the street and I was afraid that that was what I looked like when I was running. A car stopped in front of me, because it was turning, and I looked at the road just in time. I have great admiration for anyone who runs. I used to run. I don't anymore. Running with two babies in me is just kind of hard. It feels really weird.
Anyway, I am babbling. So maybe I should go to bed...Good night everybody!!!!
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