Who I Am...and then some babbling

I have come to realize recently how much I have changed in the last couple of years. The last year alone has brought so many changes in me. Just a year and a half ago I was barely getting into the Army. I was planning on making it a career. I thought I was prepared to put a family on hold at any moment and deploy. I thought I was "Army Strong" and proudly proclaimed it to everyone I met. Perhaps I was. I have come to realize that I was more "Army Stupid" than "Army Strong". As my dear husband puts it, "High-speed isn't stupid!" I was ready and willing to rush into anything. Unfortunately, I did rush into things. I tried rushing into everything--relationships, the Army, etc. I no longer quite have that mentality. I believe that I have been rushing my whole life. I am now prepared to take a more calm and rational approach. I am no longer just thinking for myself. I have a husband and two boys on the way that I must think about. Just about every decision that I make will somehow affect them. The jump from single life to married life was relatively easy for me, but I also happened to be blessed with a wonderful husband who has the patience of a...well, something with a lot of patience!! However, the leap to having children is huge. I can no longer be irresponsible. I am going to have two little boys that I must take care of and teach. I can only hope that I will be able to set a good example for them. My mother was a great example to me. To this day when I am struggling to go to church or do something that I know that I should be doing, I think back to her and know that I must do it. If not for me, I must do it for my boys. Over the last year, I have grown greatly in my appreciation for my mom. She really was the strongest person that I have ever met, but I did not know just how strong she was until she died. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but it is not something I should feel guilty about. Rather, it is something that I must strive to be myself and to teach my children. I have become so motherly in the last year. My dear cousin Mary once said something about how I become softer with each trial. I hope that is true. I believe that the world is lacking in soft women. To clarify, I mean women with a good back bone, but who are nurturing and loving and willing to help those in need and empathize. I realize that I am not good with sympathy. If I do not understand someone's pain, I generally cannot feel for them. How I wish I could! However, if I know just a little of what they are going through, I can empathize. I cherish that ability. I used to be very selfish. I still am selfish, but much less so than before. I worry that my selfishness will get in the way with my kids, especially when it comes to sleep. I love my sleep! Hopefully, though, I will get over that and overcome my selfishness more. I made a promise at my mom's funeral to let her live through me. I do not think I have done a great job at that, but I hope to do better in the future. I suppose I have not botched up too horribly, but it could be better. It could always be better.

I do not feel like I am 21. During my ultrasound, the doctor wrote a report, the beginning of which stated that I am a 21 year old woman. I feel so much older than 21. I suppose I have always felt older than my age. Many people do. When I look in the mirror I do not see a 21 year old woman. 21 sounds so young. Time seems to be going so much faster these days, though. I have already been married for over 10 months. That's nearly a year, but it does not seem nearly that long. We have lived in San Antonio for 3.5 months, but it really does not feel like we have been here that long. I am really coming to understand how these days are just moments in our lives. We really must savor each moment, or else they will pass away before our eyes and we will not realize that they have left us.

Sometimes I start thinking about success. My view on success is shifting. I used to want to be constantly progressing to a good career. I have never felt the need to make a lot of money. I just want to make the world a better place somehow. I don't know how. I used to want to be a teacher, because molding the minds of young people and helping them to learn good principles would definitely make the world better, but now I don't think I want to be a teacher. Now I want to just take care of my own babies. It's a natural feeling. My biggest thing before about success was not just making a difference in the world, but having people realize and mourn me being gone. Not just family and friends, but people that I didn't really know. I don't need that now. I mean, it saddens me when famous people die and it is posted all over the world and everybody knows and many people care, but that is only because people die every day, really good people, and nobody knows or cares, outside of that person's normal circle. For some reason that is just really sad to me. Each person creates a huge chain/circle of contacts. A single person's effect on the world can be great. You never know when you're changing someone's life. You may make a single comment that changes them forever. You may smile at them and brighten their world. Some random stranger that you affected in some way may be thinking about you right now. It really is amazing.

When I was about 14 my friend Katie and I would frequently go on walks around town. When we passed the high school track, there was this guy that we would often see running. I nick named him "Jimmy." I was feeling especially brave one day and decided to call out his "name". "JIMMY!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as I was passing the track with Katie. He turned and looked over at us. Katie and I laughed and ran away, embarrassed.

See? That was a true story. I don't know this guy. He's a random stranger and yet the thought of him makes me laugh. We really admired him for his dedication to run. Speaking of dedication for running, I almost got in a car accident when I was 17 because there was a fat kid running down the street and I was afraid that that was what I looked like when I was running. A car stopped in front of me, because it was turning, and I looked at the road just in time. I have great admiration for anyone who runs. I used to run. I don't anymore. Running with two babies in me is just kind of hard. It feels really weird.

Anyway, I am babbling. So maybe I should go to bed...Good night everybody!!!!

I had an idea!!!

And then I lost it. Darn it. I will try to remember and then blog about it.

The Last Post

I realize that my last post was a little worrisome, but I want y'all to know that I am doing well. I was just tired and had a lot of hormones going through me...both of which make me extremely dramatic sometimes. However, I think it is a well written poem, so it stays up!!!

Disparaged

Sometimes I feel forgotten, discarded, disregarded.
Like I'm a bump on a couch, or on a chair.
Like I'm simply not there. Thin air.
Like no one really notices or really cares.
Like what I do amounts to nothing.
I say something and all I get are blank stares.
I am superseded by all--the TV, a text, a game.
I almost forget I even have a name.
Favors are asked of me, but that is all.
Can you do this? Will you do that?
Something is wanted in each text or call.
I nod and say yes to each one that asks.
Even if I do not want to accept the tasks.
My lot in life is to give all I have,
While very few realize I am more than that.
I am not just a bump; I not only take up air.
I am a person, a human, not just something on a chair.


I know it's not true. I just REALLY need to make some friends over here...and I think the pregnancy hormones are getting to me tonight...

Late Nights

I really should stop staying up later than Johnny. At least, that is, if I'm going to go on the computer. There is always something online that makes me think of my mom and tear up a bit. I'm getting better though, as long as I don't think about her.

I've been rather nauseous for the last month or so. It has not been very pleasant. It can make me kinda cranky, in which cases I feel sorry for my dear husband. He's a great sport, though. We're trying to decide whether or not moving to Texas is a very feasible option right now. It's been pretty sunny lately, so hopefully it's not just because the sun is finally shining!! We have a tendency to like Utah when the sun is shining and dislike it when it's cloudy,gray, and cold. We would save a lot of money if we were to stay here. Moving expenses are ridiculous!! I could go to UVU and Johnny could go to BYU. I think that I would really like the Outdoor Recreation degree at UVU. It sounds like fun! Either that or the Physical Education degree. I mean, how cool would it be to be a PE teacher?!!! I think that I would love it. It could also branch into other things, too...like personal training, or working at a gym, or coaching, or...well, I'm sure lots of things!! I could work at a recreational camp or a park or something. I don't really know. I could be a writer. I don't know what I would write about, though. The problem is that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That's a lie. My dream would actually probably be a stay-at-home-mom. That's not very feasible, though. I will probably need a real career and while I love the Army, I cannot stand the thought of deployments and trainings that could take me away from my family. A lot has changed since I first joined. I also hate the thought of Johnny doing military as a career. I don't want my dear husband to be away from me!! However, I firmly believe that he should be whatever he wants to be when he "grows up". I will never intentionally hold him back from a good opportunity or from doing what he wants to do.

So anyway, we're definitely rethinking the whole Texas thing. We should know within the next week or so what we're going to do. If we do stay here, though, I think we're going to get a new place. A bigger place. I am so excited to finally decorate a place of my own. To own my own furniture!!! I love looking for good deals. I've already begun looking at apartments and furniture on KSL and craigslist. It's fantastic. I believe that I would probably have a great career in real estate, or at a travel agency, on account of how frequently I look for awesome, less expensive, vacations, or how many excel spreadsheets I've made listing all of the possible apartments found online for a certain area along with their amenities. I could, and do, spend hours doing that kind of thing. My time could probably be better employed...if I had anything of importance to do...besides feeling like throwing up.

Part 2 of Big Changes

Hmmm...so I suppose I will continue where I left off.

My mom died of cancer on September 2, 2010. I still tear up when I think about it. And I think about it a lot. I think I cry, or almost cry, just about every day. I went to the chaplain back at Ft. Bragg, and he said that it was going to be even harder when I got home, because then I would be occupying the same space that we would normally occupy together. It's true. It is so much harder. There is so much that reminds me of her. I am getting better at thinking of her. Before when I thought about her, most of the time it was just memories of the hospital, brushing her hair for her, and it coming out. Or holding her hand while she was on her deathbed. I am so thankful that I was able to be there, but it left huge welts that will never heal. Now, though, I am able to remember more positive things. Like when I was 14 and she took me and Julie shopping at the mall. Or the way she just loved all of us. She gave everything she had to us and for us. She made our lives good, when they could have been so terrible. I am forever grateful to her. My mom. She was such a strong woman. I love her very, very much.

Another BIG change, occurred on April 3, when I went on a date with John. We quickly became very good friends. We had a pretty unusual relationship, because I was about to head off to basic, and I didn't want a boyfriend, but I did want him to be my boyfriend...it was kind of complicated. We decided to go for it though. In August, he came up for my basic graduation and asked me if I wanted to marry him and I told him maybe...yes...and that was that. We were engaged throughout my AIT experience. He waited for me...and I guess I waited for him...and then we got married 5 days after I got back from training.

"Naught Can Endure, but Mutability"

Apparently it's been awhile since I last wrote. I was on such a roll, too. I tried writing daily, or semi daily, or something of that manner. I suppose I failed. This has been such an incredible year. So much has happened. This has been the most pivotal year of my life.
The first ginormous life changing event occured in February, when I swore in to the United States Army. That alone would be enough for just about anyone wanting to change the direction of their life. Most people would say, "Hey!! I joined the Army!! That's enough change in my life for the rest of the year!!!" I myself was prepared to say that. However, my life wasn't ready to let me say that. Let me just explain a little more of what joining the Army meant...
It is not easy to join the Army. I was running around like crazy for a couple of months just trying to get in!! I mean it!! I had appointments with my recruiter a couple of times a week, I had to go to my unit with her a few times, I went to drill, I had a ton of paperwork to do, and on top of it all, I was also taking my first semester of ROTC, which added many more hours, because I volunteered for just about everything that they let me volunteer for, plus I was trying to work 20 hours a week and go to school. Basically I had just about 3 jobs, between my unit, my recruiter, and my real job, plus school. I was usually extremely busy. Finally I was able to swear in! Woot Woot!! Now I have 6 more years of reserve duty. Boo yah! I'm lovin' it. I will just be loving it more when I got out of initial entry training. However, since I am planning on contracting ROTC as soon as I can, the Army life will be my style.
The second big, even bigger, change was my mom getting cancer. I really don't know what to write about that. Actually, I don't know that I would have time to write everything I could write about that, as lights out is in 11 minutes, which means I don't have time to write about the other changes tonight...I suppose I'll be leaving you in suspense!! Muahahahhaaaa suckers!!!